Dictator's Handbook Blog

WWDD? Wife Problems

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Wed, 22 May 2013 21:34:24 -0400

Dear Sir,

I have a big problem and I need your help; in my country I'm the supreme leader, I've cowed the opposition, the media, foreign diplomats and civil society meddlers ... but I can't control my wife.

Every month she embarrasses me by flying off to a foreign capital to spend my money on shoes, condos, furs ... you name it. This gets in the foreign media and invariably sneaks through my broadband filters, so now the man on the street is mocking me about not being able to keep my wife in line. Even my generals are cracking jokes behind my back (I don't like that at all). Worse, yesterday my wife caught me with 1 of my 5 mistresses and raised holy hell. I can't just get rid of her, can I? Unfortunately I outlawed divorce about 5 years ago and she is a member of an important ethnic bloc, one that I'd like to keep on my good side. What would you do, your excellency?

Yours,

President Pallerotte

Continue reading "WWDD? Wife Problems"

Dick Move #33: "That Term Didn't Count"

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Wed, 22 May 2013 15:25:02 -0400

Does anyone here know how to get around a two-term presidential term limit? Anyone, anyone?

Yes, you in the corner. Evo, isn't it? Looks like you have an idea.

Continue reading "Dick Move #33: "That Term Didn't Count""

WWDD? Commodity Shortages

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Tue, 21 May 2013 06:25:59 -0400

Today on What Would Dick Do? (WWDD?) we've got a letter from Dictator-in-Training "Ricky," who writes:

Sir: I'm having a lot of fun with my "popular revolution" but the fact is I don't know much about economics and the nation seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. Already we were suffering shortages of things like milk and sugar, but the latest is we're out of toilet paper, and let's just say "the folks are freaking." It's a real shit-fit. Not easy to fix, though! My Revolutionary government is responsible for purchase of consumer goods and I've got that ministry so stuffed with idiots they'll be lucky if we get toilet paper in the next century. They're not up to the task, but I also can't just fire all those suckers. What do I do?

Signed, "Ricky"

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WWDD? Bloggers

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:27:17 -0400

On today's edition of 'What Would Dick Do?' (WWDD?) we have the following letter from anonymous writer "Louie"

Sir: I've got things mostly under control but I'm getting sick and tired of international journalists nosing around and making unfounded allegations. Since they're international it's a bit harder for me to do what I usually do (throw their pasty asses in jail) without causing an international diplomatic scandal. But they're a real thorn in my side. What should I do?

Signed - "Louie"

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New Feature: "What Would Dick Do?" (WWDD?)

nospam@example.com (Randall Wood) — Wed, 15 May 2013 08:21:03 -0400

Dictators, Autocrats, Tyrants, Totalitarians, and Strongmen of the World, take note!

We understand: you have problems, concerns, questions, and perhaps incomplete knowledge of how to best apply the tenets of the Dictator's Handbook. Well, fear not, bucko: Richard M. Tater himself will soon be taking - and answering - your questions.

Simply email your questions to rich@dictatorshandbook.net (unless your nation's internet connection has been .. ahem .. recently severed - right, Bashar?) and his Dickness will answer them on this blog. Yes, kind of like "Dear Abby" for the world's most powerful.

A couple of tips when writing Rich:

When we ask "What would Dick do?" the idea is to discuss the concerns of autocrats. That means how to crush your civil society, eviscerate your political opposition, and your blundering military, not how to cure your herpes sores, lose the extra belly fat your wife dislikes, or explain to your parents that you suck cock.
The appropriate greeting when addressing His Dickness is "Sir."
Keep it short and sweet, Shirley. You think Rich has got time to hear your whole fucking life story? He's got a busy schedule too and is only pausing between executions and the torture chamber long enough to read your email. Cut to the chase, please.

The lines are open. Come forth with your questions, you impotent fools.

Tools of the Trade: 'The Kitchen Sink'

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Tue, 14 May 2013 09:00:49 -0400

Well, it looks like some of you have been reading my book after all (chapter 8 in particular). I'm looking at you, Bashar al-Assad! What was once a losing battle seems to have stabilized, for now, and you are looking tough, too tough at least for local actors to dislodge (not talking about Israel here, so all you international studies majors, back off!).

I like what you've done to help yourself -- a little bit of everything, something I called 'The Kitchen Sink' approach in chapter 8 of The Dictator's Handbook. The idea here is that when a number of different strategies fail to curb unrest or stamp out the flames of rebellion, you're better off using everything at your disposal, from violence, espionage, and financial skullduggery to media manipulation to get ahead of events and make sure your regime will not go the way of the dinosaur.

You've done it your own way of course, Bashar; you've focused your military on the trouble spots, brought in irregular militia to support your terror tactics, and isolated the rebels, among other things. Nice job, even if it's strictly for the short-term. You may have bought yourself a little time, but it doesn't look like the end result is going to change any. Still, look on the bright side -- now you can pick out your retirement mansion on the Black Sea without fear of being strung up in a public square in Damascus. For now.

Heads of State in Court

nospam@example.com (Randall Wood) — Mon, 13 May 2013 13:21:57 -0400

It's been a tough month for political strongmen as far as the judicial system goes. In some cases, it's catching up; in others it's already caught up.

Of note, we've got former Guatemalan military leader General Efraín Mott, who was found guilty of genocide of the Mayan people during his reign of terror in the 80s. I doubt he was expecting that.

In Iran, current furry strongman Mahmoud Ahmedinejad has been warned by the Constitutional watchdog he may face sanctions over breaking election regulations. I'm sure he wasn't expecting that one. Ahmedinejad is being scolded for having escorted his political protegé, Esfandiar Rahim Mashaei, to to the election registration office - a clear, though illegal, show of support. You know what else Ahmedinejad probably wasn't expecting? The potential sentence, which could include a maximum punishment of six months in jail or 74 lashes. And you can be sure there is more than one in government who'd be pleased to give that bearded wonder a sound spanking.

Europe has little more to gloat about, at least not the Italians, where a prosecutor is maneuvering to ensure ousted Prime Minister Sylvio Belusconi gets up to six years' jail time for having paid for sex with an underage girl. Not clear if he too will be spanked, or by whom.

Got something to say about it? Catch us on the forum.

How to tell if you're a Dick

nospam@example.com (Randall Wood) — Wed, 08 May 2013 09:21:33 -0400

Are you a dick? Raise your hand if you are. Mr. and Mrs. Ortega, thank you very much. Keep those hands raised.

For the rest of you, here's a hint: If you, in your capacities either as autocrat-of-the-day or autocrat's-spouse-who-essentially-runs-everything have ever contacted a foreign government in order to request they stop funding your daughter's NGO then you can, in fact, say you are a dick. Bonus points: if you have been accused of repeatedly sexually violating said step-daughter, and have pilloried her in the press and elsewhere to make sure her case against you goes untried, then you count double.

Note: elsewhere in this blog, "Dick" usually means "dictator". But in this case in means not just that: it means you are a cock. Read on.
Continue reading "How to tell if you're a Dick"

Dictator Must-Haves: Nicknames

nospam@example.com (Carmine DeLuca) — Mon, 06 May 2013 20:06:15 -0400

Today a real-life inspiration to all would-be tyrants joined the ranks of the departed; Giulio Andreotti died at age 94, a seven-times prime minister of Italy and the architect or enabler of the 'strategy of tension' (we'll never know for sure, but for an account of how dictators can use this technique see chapter 8 of our book) who in many obituaries is being referred to as the 'center of Italian political life for 50 years.'

Giulio gave great material for aphorists: 'Power wears out those who don't have it' and 'Never leave traces' are but two examples. But perhaps for aspiring dictators his greatest legacy is a long list of expressive nicknames. As we point out in chapter 13 of The Dictator's Handbook, a great nickname will go a long way in projecting your reputation while almost certainly capturing what the man in the street thinks about you. Here is what Signor Andreotti was called over his long lifetime:

-Beelzebub
-The Black Pope
-The Hunchback (hunchbacks are considered unreasonably lucky in Italy)
-The Prince of Darkness
-Uncle Giulio
-Il Divo Giulio (the Divine Giulio)
-Lavazza (an Italian coffee; refers to the strange habit acquired by some of Andreotti's enemies -- dying after drinking a poisoned espresso)

Dictator Dislikes: Remote Spy Technology

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Mon, 06 May 2013 12:02:54 -0400

Don't get me wrong, I like my Iphone as much as the next guy - it helps me get through boring meetings with my Ministers, for example - and I understand it's tracking my every movement, tracking every website I visit, etc. I get it. But there's some spy technology that really gets my hackles up.

Look at remote imaging technology, and information-gathering satellites monitoring things from orbit. There's a thing that has gotten my man Omar al Bashir in some deep doo-doo in Sudan. I mean holy cow, you knew they were looking in at you, but did you realize they're measuring and counting too? Did you realize they're checking the square footage of villages before and after you've burned them to the ground, or counting the heads of refugees massing at the border? Did you, Omar?

Well, you know now, anyway - hang on a second, got to take a call - damn, love this thing.

A Lesson in Parallel Government

nospam@example.com (Randall Wood) — Thu, 02 May 2013 10:59:14 -0400

Today's lesson in parallel government comes to us from Nicaragua, courtesy of the Envio academic journal, volume 32, number 380 of March 2013.

Rosario Murillo, Nicaragua's First Lady, is also essentially a minister, as her husband President Daniel Ortega put her at the head of the National Council on Communication and Citizenship in January 2007, shortly after he was "reelected". One of her early inventions was a new political structure called Councils of Citizen's Power (CPCs). They weren't overtly connected to the FSLN political party but were ostensibly to promote civic participation. Who can argue with that? And anyway, the councils were in line with a 1993 Law of Citizen's Participation. The political opposition, still strong in 2007, effectively blocked them from becoming officially-recognized state structures or from being either assigned state functions or administering any part of the national budget. So they instead became the channel for all extra-budgetary funding provided by Venezuela.

The next step happened inexorably. Ortega procured government decision-making powers the law denied them by granting the CPCs plurality of seats in the National Economic and Social Planning Council (CONPES), which had been created in 2001 to encourage citizen participation in decision making. He then put his wife Murillo at the head of CONPES, which immediately stopped meeting and basically ceased to exist. Meanwhile, the CPCs gained in strength, voice, and resources and became clearly the more powerful voice. And now they became more overtly tied to the FSLN party. The FSLN party became reorganized around them, and their power grew as their administrations decided who would receive the various benefit packages provided by Venezuelan largesse. Political endorsements required for anything from getting a job, study grant, license, extension of some deadline, identity card, party membership card, or even medicine flew strictly through the CPCs, tying important administrative requirements to executive power.

Job done!

Loving the Culture of Fear

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 21:51:22 -0400

Listen up, would-be tyrants, Rich Tater is back with some dictatorial pearls.

I gather that some of you might be tempted to open your societies, allow some limited freedom of assembly, free speech, economic reforms ... sorry, I was about to fall asleep reading off that pathetic list. But you can all do yourselves a big favor and forget about that high-minded civic culture nonsense. Know what the only really useful culture you can cultivate is, my little autocrats? That's right: the culture of fear (see chapter 5 of my book for the details).

In a nutshell, that means you stomp on civil liberties like you mean it, while indulging in show trials, routine intimidation of journalists, rampant surveillance and repression of opposition leaders or anyone else who gets in your way, or threatens to. Then watch everyone else get in line.

Want a great modern example of this? Look how my friend Vladimir Putin has really tightened the screws of late in Russia. That means that all you bloggers, crusading journalists, and punk rockers can sit back and enjoy the some state-sponsored repression for the duration. Young dictators, make sure they enjoy those jail cells, and then settle in and watch a trial presided over by a corrupt judge (your corrupt judge). Take it from me, you'll love watching the culture of fear in action.

Albasani.net now carrying Dictator feeds!

nospam@example.com (Randall Wood) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 17:30:30 -0400

Little-known secret: our forum uses a technology developed to carefully share and allow access to information long before something called the "World Wide Web" was a sparkle in a Swiss eye. In sum, Usenet. If you don't know what that is, young'un, just go back to Tweeting and step away from the keyboard. And let the grownups take care of the adult conversation.

For the rest of you, the entire Dictators Handbook forum is now accessible over usenet from Albasani.net, established by the late Alexander Bartolich (RIP). There's a guy whose understanding of the usefulness of a federated, widely-distributed, semi-unregulated forum is what the Internet was all about.

Stay tuned while Dictator's Handbook becomes the place to discuss totalitarianism, no matter where you are. NNTP for the win, ya bastages!

On Going Down with the Ship

nospam@example.com (Carmine DeLuca) — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 09:02:47 -0400

In chapter 13 of our book, we thoroughly covered all things legacy with respect to dictators, from passing on your rule to suitable offspring to setting up monuments reflecting your glory for posterity. And much more -- including an idea that is unfortunately all too attractive to tyrants who are losing their grip on power. When that happens, tearing your world down around you as you fall, damn the collateral damage, becomes a way of spitting back at a hostile universe, one last time (for example, see the last days of Hitler as noted in Ian Kershaw's Hitler: 1936–1945: Nemesis, p. 785). Of course, this cements your legacy as a monster for the ages, but perhaps that's what many dictators aspire to in the first place.

Are there any recent examples? Maybe; certainly Bashar Assad appears to be inching toward armageddon, as recent reports indicating the use of chemical weapons suggest. It's hard to divine his motives, beyond mere survival, but it looks as if Assad may soon enter a downward spiral that will ensure his legacy is more than simply rotten. Perhaps he thinks 'monster for the ages' has a nice ring to it.

Skeletons in the Closet

nospam@example.com (Richard M. Tater) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 10:39:25 -0400

No, this isn't a post about secrets from the past that emerge to haunt you and end up ruining your dictatorial project. This is literally about skeletons.

You see, my former colleague, Francois Bozize, deposed leader of the Central African Republic, gets a pat on the back for doing things right. He must have read my book, because he came to power in 2003 through a coup (though, uh, he lost power through another coup -- read more carefully next time, Francis!).

Still, he gets credit for leaving his followers absolutely nothing ... except, of course, 2 human skeletons found by looters in his former residence. Sorry boys, all that gold and cash is long gone! Have fun picking bones! (I'll bet Francis is laughing right now, right between martini number 2 and 3.)