To all you pretenders out there: Rich Tater is about to get something off his chest. And it's not my medal collection, either.
Here's what has me worked up today (on day 1 of my Palm Beach vacation, no less). Anyone, and I mean anyone with autocratic ambitions should immediately stop stop STOP hobnobbing with the hoi polloi!
It's embarrassing, it's beneath you all, and it is absolutely the last thing any self-respecting dictator should ever want to do. And if you aren't the type to embarrass easily, think about it in practical terms--you are better off, as I wrote in my book, keeping above the fray of the day-to-day, affecting a 'not seen' but definitely heard and felt (especially that) approach to your person.
Look, you want public unveilings of your august self on a balcony above overflowing piazzas? Go ahead! You want to be beamed onto every TV and device! Mahzel-tov! You want to have your secret police beat the living daylights out of opposition leaders and parade them under your likeness once they can barely stand? Ok by me!
But never, never get out there and engage with the masses on their terms. It's vulgar. It's dirty (be enough of a germophobe to stay away from them). And it's beneath you. But there's more.
Image By John French Sloan - Michigan State University Library, Digital Collections: The Masses, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=10133330
Continue reading "Dictator Dislikes: Slumming"
As you might have heard, I recently got back in the dictatorship game after an, uh, unexpected absence. At the moment, the ship of state is once again sailing on a smooth, predictable course, designed by me and me alone! But all work and no play make Rich Tater a dull boy, so I thought, now that the universe is once again in alignment, why not take a trip with the mistress to Palm Beach, as I used to do before my unbroken ascent was rudely interrupted by those ambitious generals (and in case you were wondering, let's just say those ambitions are now permanently curtailed).
So, fire up the Gulfstream jet! Pack the cases of Cristal! We're going to sunny climes!
Before I leave, I thought I would single out some dear colleagues for their use of the the principles I've discussed in my book. Cultivating the near enemy, of course is a staple of the politics of distraction--hey, if my country was disintegrating into an economic hell-hole, then I'd do the same thing. But you can do this in style, too: why just name an enemy when you can name-call as well? That's the kind of subtle difference that separates the men dictators from the boy tyrants.
Continue reading "Dick's Tips: Mudslinging"
I have very bad problem. Very bad. My brother and sister leak 'fake news' to media. Say I have many mistress, all on government salary. Stories upset my wife (another problem). Now they say I raid national treasury; I deny and say I am offended but no one listen. I can take no more, so I order 'accident' on bridge at night for them. But, now I think: do I go too far? Not sure. Please send advice.
Continue reading "WWDD: Family Problems"
Well, you shouldn't be. Come on, get those jaws off the floor. Calm down. Have a stiff drink, if you've got one.
Now think about my sudden return to power for more than 10 seconds and you'll come up with a reasonable explanation. Ready? Come on ... 10, 9, 8 ... 3, 2, 1 ... no theories yet? No overly confident explanations (based on 'facts') as to why the people have once again chosen -- and yes, 'chosen' is the word, you horrified democrats out there -- to put their faith, votes, and money behind yours truly?
Propaganda? Nope. A nice try, and though I never say no to good agitprop, that's not what did it.
Lack of civil society? Eh ... you can do better than that.
Weak legal superstructure? An ugly and opaque phrase -- are you a post-modernist or something? Sure, I had 'legal' challenges, but I know how to deal with them, and strong or weak legal traditions don't really bother me too much.
Generals lost their nerve: well, I admit they had me on the run for a while. They culled my inner circle quite ruthlessly a couple of years ago (wonder where they got that idea?), but I've never met a general I couldn't bribe, have you? Didn't think so. And once they were on the take, picking them off and replacing them with loyalists was easy.
Corrupted the electoral process? Sorry but they didn't need me to do that for them.
Look, if you're searching for an answer to the question 'why' you really don't need to look much past basic human needs. The people want to have a leader. They want to identify with a strong personality that is going to give no quarter. They were tired of the turmoil after I left; a return to 'normalcy' was in the air, and nothing (to them) was as normal as me. I'm more than just the face of the state -- in many ways, I am also the people. What, to them, was a group of elected officials with the collective charisma of lo-mein noodles? Not too damn much.
People, it has to be said, love Dick. And, in my way, I love them back! But if you really want to know why I'm back, you'll have to read on.
Continue reading "The Resurrection of Generalissimo Richard M. Tater"
Just look at this guy: great suit, sharp haircut, winning smile. What is there not to like about a guy like Faure Gnassingbe? Well, the fact that he and his old man have ruled the country since independence, for one. Togo and the Gnassingbes are essentially one and the same. That might change this week, but I doubt it. Togo's presidential elections were yesterday (Saturday, 25 April 2015), and while this time the competition was stiffer than it usually is, my money is on Faure. He might be slipping in the polls, and it's true that the Togolese have just been registered as Africa's most miserable. Lord knows under the Gnassingbe family Togo hasn't made much progress. But is a guy this sharp going to just piss it all away in the name of democracy? Not if he's read my book. Good luck, Faure, and see you around another year, probably. If the election goes south, you know what to do next. Start by wiping off that winning smile and showing Togo what happens when you don't get your way.
Hey Blaise, hope you're hunkered down over there! As far as I can tell from here, Burkina Faso is minutes away from declaring the end of you, via a huge popular protest and the support of the military - all things you'd have had a better time handling if you'd ever read my book. If you're still in Ouagadougou and wondering what to do, have a look at the chapters on Managing Uprisings and Endgame - you're going to need it.
Then, just to make sure you are getting the comfort and support you need in this time of crisis, I recommend hugging a stuffed animal. Worked for Mobutu (pictured) and the rest of the dictators in this photo series, from Khadaffi to Castro to Chavez. Everyone needs a hug from Mr. Piggy-Wiggy, eh Blaise?
I'd like to take a moment here and give a shout-out to my boys the Burmese generals. Ever been to one of those stupid movies where there's a psycho killer in the abandoned house, but the stupid girl and her sorority sisters are walking up to the front door anyway to go get slaughtered in the next two minutes of the film?
That's what watching American trying to court Myanmar is like.
Continue reading "Round of applause for Burma!"
All this whining and crying about independence movements brings a tear to my eye, as I reach for my revolver. You, son: you don't want independence, you just think you do. What you really want, as far as I can tell, is for someone powerful and visionary to show you which direction is up.
In short: you need a Dick.
What if you got your independence? The jackass behind you would probably decide he needs independence too. Never mind the fact you can't survive on your own. Never mind the fact you can't wipe your nose and walk at the same time. They've got the right idea over at Slate. Check out their map of what Europe would look like if every separatist movement got its way. Not pretty, I can assure you.
Maybe you should just sit down and shut up.
Actually, know what I should do? Let you all get your independence, because individually you are all weak and unprotected. Then I should run roughshod over you like a bunch of slugs crossing a highway. Because while you're enjoying your newfound independence, I'll be warming up my army to make you my bitches.
I know, I know, you've read the entire chapter of the Dictator's Handbook about security and police forces as well as the chapter on perpetuating a culture of fear, and you're thinking to yourself, "dammit, all the interesting torture practices have already been discovered and are being used elsewhere! How am I supposed to innovate in this important area of governance?"
Fear not, young Dick. Nigeria is here to show you the way.
Continue reading "Torture, Nigeria style"
If you've read the Dictator's Handbook, you've certainly appreciated the chapter on "A Culture of Fear." And a huge part of keeping people quaking in their boots is a legal framework that encourages self-censoring on every level. Congrats to you guys in the United Kingdom then.
Continue reading "Finally, a law that can stop anyone from doing anything"