I, Rich Tater, am in a bad mood these days, and that's bad news for the rest of you. Would you like to know what puts me in bad mood most of all? Other than outright stupidity (a close second), the number one thing is a lack of boldness among fellow autocrats.
I mean, I've put out my dictatorial pearls of wisdom in published form; I've blogged about the positive uses of executions, illegal wiretaps, and sexual blackmail ... and after all that, you humanoids out there still can't figure it out? If I wasn't so frustrated with you, so focused on my own desires, my own locus of power, I'd get in my private jet and show you how to be a real dictator on your own turf.
But look: Mr. Yanukovkch, when you try to use the 'concessions' tactic to quell protests that threaten your reign, use it correctly, for God's (or Rich Tater's) sake! Don't promise piddling, ineffectual 'reforms' like a cabinet reshuffle or a weakening of anti-protest laws. Don't you know that just fuels the rage of the pro-democracy rif-raff? No, reread Chapter 8 of my book and you'll understand what I'm talking about (I can only hope you do, I mean). When you offer 'concessions', offer the moon -- an opposition role in the government, term limits, free elections, free love, whatever! Not that you'd ever intend to actually do any of those things, but at least playing such a forceful hand will get the attention of the rabble-rousers and entice them to calm down. THAT'S when you let your security forces pounce.
I can't believe I have to explain this all over again. Pay attention, dammit. If I wasn't halfway to West Palm Beach for some much needed R&R with my mistress, I'd make you pay attention, personally. Rich Tater has spoken.