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Dick Move #29: Budgeting like you mean it

Shout out to my boy Hugo Chavez, who as usual, breaks all the rules of traditional government decorum in the interest of advancing his personal priorities, ie his continued place in power.  And not for the first time, it involves creative budgeting.  If "Hugs" is looking smug to you in the photo below, it's because he has every reason to be.

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Dick Move #28: Keep your Journalists on a Tight Leash

Man, sometimes I feel like all I do around here is walk the mutts around the block so they can poop.  I'm the Head of State, fergodssake.  But hey, a large part of my job involves keeping others - and they're all freaking dogs, damn it - on a tight leash.

We've seen how to keep artists on a tight leash.  And we've discussed keeping NGOs on a tight leash too.  We've discussed keeping your generals jumping.  And we've discussed keeping foreigners on their toes.

When it comes to journalists and the press, you need to not only keep them on a tight leash, you need to keep the "no barking electroshock collar" pressed tight against their throats (we've discussed already how they're all terrorists anyway, so by keeping their mouths shut you're basically doing the whole world a favor). 

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Top Headlines from the Forum

Here is what's going on at our Forum. Come join us.

  1. Israel goes for broke
  2. [Syria] Give it up, Assad! You suck!
  3. [Syria] Now with extra Hezbollah
  4. [Syria] Now with extra Jihad, too!
  5. [Cuba] Fidel is not quite dead yet
  6. [Bolivia] US relations like a turd
  7. [Kenya] Ready to rumble?
  8. [Burma] Party leader still leader: woo hoo!

And here's the forum quote of the week, from user Mutts Nuts under the subject USA Conservatives call for new Sputnik moment:

That's fun - a great idea. Let's keep America exceptional! Except that all of these ideas will require investment and resources, the exact things the nutcases in the Republican party are trying hardest to reduce. You think anyone in the Republican party is going to fund huge increases in education? That's not the way they're headed these days.

It's fun to talk one way and walk another. But in practice, it doesn't work out. Hope the conservatives that back the reduce deficits strategy all speak Chinese - they'll need it to get a job, some day.

Dick Move #27: Turn the Tables

If you've read the Dictator's Handbook, you've realized these tactics aren't just the playground of the world's violent, totalitarian states.  democracy comes in many sizes and shapes and it's easy for any critic to pass judgment on the basis of subjective, cultural bias.

What I'm saying is: you don't have to stand there and listen to any crap you don't want to.  Play it like Putin! 

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Dick Move #26: Watch your back

Anyone who thinks the head of state can just kick back and enjoy the trappings of a luxury lifestyle hasn't read my book.  In fact, the Dictator's Handbook lays out in no uncertain terms just how dangerous a job the Presidency can really be.

Wouldn't you say so, Mr. Yayi?

Boni Yayi

Here's a guy who just narrowly escaped with his life.  Lucky man! 

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A Big Plate of Nothing

When I was a young hoodlum (pre-coup), I ran with a rough crew. Disgruntled colonels, crime bosses, perverts, amoral businessmen, vicious skid-row legbreakers -- those were the days! Let's just say no one brushed us off at the casino or whorehouse, and leave it at that. One of my compatriots from that glorious time, since retired (permanently), was a conspiratorial army officer who despite his access to illegal funds was as cheap a bastard as has ever saved used teabags. And he had one very annoying habit -- at least I thought it was annoying at the time.

Whenever we'd rumble into a pub or cafe for late-night eats after an evening of uh, pleasure, we would to a man order as much food as our ravenous bellies could hold. All except this fellow. He'd smirk grimly (I can still see it now) and say 'I'll have a glass of water and a big plate of nothing." We'd laugh of course, and tell him what an odd bird he was over mounds of lobster and prime rib. Certainly I never hesitated when tapping my own ill-gotten pile of state funds, which I could access even then. But, as I reflect on my youthful indiscretions, I now concede that he may have had a point. Read on.  

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Dick Move #25: Look Alive

The death of Richard M. Tater has been dramatically prematurely announced.  In fact, I'm doing just fine thanks - just look at these pictures, this gorgeous hairline.  I'm the picture of health, fit and ruddy with energy and enthusiasm.  I'm a good looking son-of-a-bitch, too.  Here, I'll do a couple of jumping jacks for you - see that?  I'm not even winded.

Over to you, Fidel.  According to the recent pics, you're looking good too, you sexy devil, you.

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