Sir: It's pretty simple. I'm a great guy, my friends and supporters love me. But the rest of the world is giving me a lot of flak. Western media insist on using words to describe me like "tyrant," "repressive," "bloodthirsty," "brutal killer," and even "pariah." I'm getting kind of sick of the abuse and need a little public relations lift to improve my image.Signed - Mr. Thirsty Blood
Thirsty: you are not alone, that's for sure. And hey, just between you and me, don't take the word "tyrant" as an insult. There are a lot of Western leaders out there who would be a bit more effective if they took a moment to grow a pair and do some serious cracking down. You don't see any protests in my country, that's for sure. (At least, you don't see them for long, ha ha ha).
Here's what I'd do. You need a quick bit of sexy publicity eye candy. Here's what I'm talking about:
Now, don't think I chose Ms. Jennifer Lopez' picture at random (and pay no attention to the dictator standing at attention, at the moment). Lopez flew out to lovely Turkmenistan to sing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" to my buddy Berdymukhamedov, certainly the kind of guy who has an image problem. Turns out "she didn't know about his human rights abuses." Or didn't care, maybe, because I'm assuming the money was good. And she's not alone, either. Kanye West sang at Aisultan Nazarbayev's wedding (he's the grandson of the president) in exchange for $3M. Just look at all the frequent flier points Dennis Rodman is earning on his multiple trips to go visit his BFF, Kim Jong Un. Have a look at Chapter Two of my book, too.
The list goes on: Nelly Furtado paid a few visits to Moammar Qadaffi, as did Beyonce and Mariah Carey. Hilary Swank visited Ramzan Kadyrov, and so on. The advantages are easy to spot: they're usually great looking Westerners (Rodman, you are fucking excluded from that list, bro) with great press coverage, weak understanding of international politics (or the politics of anywhere outside of California, probably), and a price tag. Pay the right price, and you too can have a hotty singing you Jngle Bells in her panties. Now that's the kind of publicity that can mend a lot of bad attitudes.
After the song is over, why don't you buy the girl a shirt?
-- Dick out.