Today on What Would Dick Do? (WWDD?) we've got a letter from Dictator-in-Training "Ricky," who writes:
Sir: I'm having a lot of fun with my "popular revolution" but the fact is I don't know much about economics and the nation seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. Already we were suffering shortages of things like milk and sugar, but the latest is we're out of toilet paper, and let's just say "the folks are freaking." It's a real shit-fit. Not easy to fix, though! My Revolutionary government is responsible for purchase of consumer goods and I've got that ministry so stuffed with idiots they'll be lucky if we get toilet paper in the next century. They're not up to the task, but I also can't just fire all those suckers. What do I do?
Oh Ricky, you're so fine, your revolution is so sublime, hey Ricky!
Relax, this one's easy to handle. Yours is a revolutionary government, so all problems are easily and immediately attributable to:
It doesn't matter what the problem is or whose fault it is, or how numb the nuts are of those numbnuts you've hired to work for your government. If the lights go out: Enemies of the Revolution! If the rains flood out a village: Enemies of the Revolution! If the rice tastes like ass: Enemies of the Revolution secretly plotting to replace your revolutionary, quality rice seed with inferior, genetically modified garbage seed! If the telephones are jammed, the tv stations full of static, the traffic a nightmare, the school buildings falling down, the capital increasingly a cesspool of violence and corruption, the reason is always the same: those perpetrators are actually enemies of the revolution, plotting to discredit your idealistic endeavor and disseminate discomfort and discontent. They're probably being secretly financed by international governments intent on ensuring your overthrow.
So, get the word out! Make sure everyone knows the reason there is no toilet paper: evil foreign governments, desperate to see your revolution fail. Job done!
(but hey, just between you and me, get some fucking toilet paper, eh? Or you'll be in real deep shit soon, and I'm not joking).