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Election Tips: Bribery

It might shock you to hear me admit this, but it's true: sometimes I do worry about waking up one day and being out of power ...

Just joking! We all know that would NEVER happen. However, I can empathize with those of you who do find yourselves temporarily out of the highest office (suckers!). I can dig your frustration, my authoritarian comrades, and I know you lose elections now and then, despite your best efforts. Normally I would just tell you to bone up on chapter 12 of my book, which describes in detail how you can get the vote you want, but today I'm feeling magnanimous. That's right, I'm going to give some expert advice. So listen up!

If you've listened to me in the past you probably have a nice slush fund just waiting to be tapped. And I can't think of a better time to do some tapping than the middle of a heated election. Go ahead, buy some votes! If your country is the kind of place with lax or unenforceable voter fraud laws, then you'd be fool not to. 

Or, maybe you are on the outside looking in -- somehow you've been eclipsed by a coalition of democratic parties and are itching for an excuse to call another election but just can't find one. I can find a reason for you, it's called dollars, euros, shekels, dinars, rupees, talents! That's right. You should consider splitting the coalition through the application of shiny untraceable cash. Then, when the government falls, sweep in and buy the votes you need to get back in power.

That's what my boy Silvio Berlusconi is alleged (ahem) to have done in 2008, 2 years after being voted out of office; he (allegedly) he bribed a member of the ruling coalition to switch allegiances, causing the coalition to crumble ... hello, new elections, and another term for Silvio. I love it when democracies take my advice so literally! 

Thinking of Silvio really warms my heart, and not for the reasons you'd expect. He reminds me of my favorite Italian saying: 'Chi ha denari e amicizia va in culo la giustizia' (If you have money and friends, you can fuck the law in ass). Now those are word a dictator can live by. 

Silvio's comode

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