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Election Tips: The Big Splash

Some of you aspiring dictators out there may be troubled by elections. I know, the very word rankles; it implies that the 'people' have a say in getting you to and keeping you in power. What nonsense. Still, don't walk away in huff, my young acolytes. Elections can be useful (see chapter 12 of my book), and best of all they keep you in good graces with the eggheads in charge at the U.N. 

But wait, some of you might be thinking, what if we lose an election -- or worse, what if we need an election to get us back in power after being thrown out for any number of tawdry offenses (um, accepting bribes, outright theft, soliciting prostitutes, illegal wars, brazen murder of opposition leaders ... thank God for ellipses or that would be a long list)?  

A good question. Rich Tater has it covered, even if I have to tip my hat to those crazy democratically elected leaders in the West. 

First things first: I suppose if you really needed to win an election to come to power, you could maybe own a television network and create lowest-common denominator programming -- stripshows -- that spread your personal brand far and wide so that you can enter the political arena as a known commodity.

Quality entertainment

Or, say you own a soccer team, and at the same time you're embroiled in an election campaign that's not going your way -- what could you possibly do to make the former support the latter? Make a big, headline-grabbing signing? Yes, of course you can!

It should be obvious that the model to follow here is my esteemed colleague, Silvio Berlusconi. That's right, he's making another grab for power in 2013, throwing his hat in the ring for the 19th or 20th time, and running for prime minister of Italy. Unfortunately, he found himself trailing in the polls, so he leveraged (love that word!) his second job as owner of the popular A.C. Milan soccer team and authorized the purchase of the controversial and very talented Italian soccer star, Mario Balotelli (never mind that Milan didn't really need him)! What a coincidence! But if it changes the dynamic of the election in your favor, why not?

Learn from his example, young dictators, make a big splash when conducting your electoral campaigns, and don't worry about that annoying election. And Silvio, this is Rich Tater talking -- hope this move gets you back in power. Hasn't been the same without you. 

Bunga ...

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