Don't think that my wife doesn't nag me -- dictator or not, it happens. One her most predictable gripes (other than my penchant for mistresses) is how I go on and on about how much I love the UN. 'You never once stop talking about how happy you are with them,' she says. Sigh. I know I need the whole marriage thing for appearances, but when is enough enough?
Trouble is, I DO love the UN. What other international body has provided unshakeable cover for despots through the ages (don't answer that)? But that's not the only thing I love. Want to know what else puts a smile on my face? One hint: it's not Mrs. R.M. Tater.
You guessed it -- I love the Internet. Now, you might be thinking 'Come on Rich! How can you be so enamored of the most powerful tool for democratic awareness ever conceived? The world wide web! It facilitates communication, empowers the weak, allows the artist to instantly sample the universal zeitgiest!'
Are you finished? Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt your reverie. You had me going for a while there, I admit, but honestly ... don't make laugh, the rolls of flab just don't work like they used to. Democratic awareness? Communication? The weak empowered ... those are some mighty interesting concepts friend, but I'll bet you don't come across them that often on handjob sites or cat dancing webpages. Get my drift? That's where the masses are spending their time online, and of course that's how I like it. (By the way, you can read all about the dictator's fondness for the web and all new media in chapter 9 of my book.)
Want to know what else I like about the internet? The fact that I can control it. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than knowing what my adversaries have been up to online (believe me, I know). The opposition leader in my country is a democratic agitator by day ... and pederast at night on the web. Someone's family will be getting an anonymous phone call soon, count on it.
Even if my enemies succeed in using the Internet for their purposes, I can always shut them down -- like my friend Assad did recently. Now there's a man who understands the digital age.
I should probably stop there. Every time I talk about it, my love for the Internet grows and grows. I'd never have guessed the day would come when my torture chambers were outdated, but then usually the Internet gets me all the information I need.