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You don't want freedom: you want a firm hand



All this whining and crying about independence movements brings a tear to my eye, as I reach for my revolver.  You, son: you don't want independence, you just think you do.  What you really want, as far as I can tell, is for someone powerful and visionary to show you which direction is up.


In short: you need a Dick.


What if you got your independence?  The jackass behind you would probably decide he needs independence too.  Never mind the fact you can't survive on your own.  Never mind the fact you can't wipe your nose and walk at the same time.  They've got the right idea over at Slate.  Check out their map of what Europe would look like if every separatist movement got its way.  Not pretty, I can assure you.


Maybe you should just sit down and shut up.


Actually, know what I should do?  Let you all get your independence, because individually you are all weak and unprotected.  Then I should run roughshod over you like a bunch of slugs crossing a highway.  Because while you're enjoying your newfound independence, I'll be warming up my army to make you my bitches.

Torture, Nigeria style

I know, I know, you've read the entire chapter of the Dictator's Handbook about security and police forces as well as the chapter on perpetuating a culture of fear, and you're thinking to yourself, "dammit, all the interesting torture practices have already been discovered and are being used elsewhere!  How am I supposed to innovate in this important area of governance?"


Fear not, young Dick.  Nigeria is here to show you the way.

Continue reading "Torture, Nigeria style"

Finally, a law that can stop anyone from doing anything

If you've read the Dictator's Handbook, you've certainly appreciated the chapter on "A Culture of Fear."  And a huge part of keeping people quaking in their boots is a legal framework that encourages self-censoring on every level.  Congrats to you guys in the United Kingdom then. Continue reading "Finally, a law that can stop anyone from doing anything"

History repeats itself in Nicaragua

Once upon a time in Nicaragua, there was a brutal, rapacious, avaricious dictator running Nicaragua. He, his family, and his business cronies owned anything worth owning, and controlled the rest. The press was silenced, political life was basically squashed for any other than his own party, and the people were disaffected but powerless to do much of anything about it. Then in the mountains, ragtag bands of rebels began training and organizing, gaining in strength and in courage, and they used the mountains as a base for attacks on the violent apparatus of the state: the national guard, the police, and the army.

Eventually, the rebels won. The dictator was overthrown, and the head of the rebels became the president. His name was Daniel Ortega.

Ortega knows this story well, as does every school kid that ever went through the Nicaraguan public school system. So it should be no surprise to anyone that what's happening in Nicaragua is a repeat of the past. Only this time, Ortega is the dictator, and the rebels are massing against him.

How do you think it will turn out? How do you hope it will turn out?

Boo, Hiss, UK Snooping Laws


One country you definitely do not expect to find on this lonely little blog: the United Kingdom.

But hell, they've earned it this time! David Cameron, WTF? The BBC reports:

The legislation is primarily aimed at the companies that provide us with telephone and internet connections. It outlines their legal obligation to retain "communications data" on their customers. This metadata includes things like logs of when calls were made, what numbers were dialled, and other information that can be used, the government says, in investigations. It does not include the content of the communications.


The Prime Minister loses one point for the snooping laws, another for forcing them through Parliament without, apparently, time for due consideration, and a third point for justifying them on the grounds of the usual suspects: "emergency needs," Al Qaeda and other international baddies, and of course, pedophilia. We don't support any of those things, of course, but neither do we think the prescription is the appropriate remedy for the problem, and suspect this was just vile justification for something the British government was planning to do anyway.

Lastly, needless to say: this is a move straight out of the Dictator's Handbook. Go read it, chumps.

Mr. 95.5%

When I return home from my month long -- hell, six-week!! -- vacation in West Palm Beach I usually find a bored and angry trophy wife, piles of paperwork, and a gang of sycophants just waiting for access to Il Commandante (that's me). It's usually then that, with a sigh of regret, I say to my mistress 'See you in a week, honeybunny.' 


This year, I turned on the news. And I saw what I'd missed since my well-deserved vacation -- the public mastery of the art of dictatorship. 


Large teeth

Continue reading "Mr. 95.5%"

Where's Ortega?

Waldo with cane

Has anyone seen Nicaraguan president Daniel Ortega recently? Why, no. In fact, not only has the ersatz strongman been conspicuously absent for nearly two weeks, but it's been radio silence from the office of the president, the president's inner circle, and the Nicaraguan government as a whole.

That's good news, because it means Daniel Ortega might finally be ready to shuffle off this mortal coil, the only way we'll ever be rid of the mustachioed bastard given his recent changes to the constitution. But that's bad news too, because no government is a problem. Continue reading "Where's Ortega?"

Bad Time for Dictators?

While human nature isn't likely to grow less evil over time, there are some moments in history when it just is a bad idea to be a dictator. We may be living through one of those moments now.


Certainly the events in Ukraine and Venezuela seem to suggest that, if not in outright retreat, the autocrats of our time are finding that there is no such thing as 'ultimate' power. At the very least what this shows is that modern dictaotors have not yet fully absorbed the lessons from history's more successful autocrats on managing unrest and consolidating their rule, lessons we discussed in our book


The one seeming exception? Vladimir Putin, of course, but more on Russia later.  


On Not Caring

I'd like to use this opportunity to point out that there are few dictators who ever really achieve the absolute pinnacle of autocracy -- that point you reach when you can simply NOT CARE about international opinion or the grumblings of your people ... thanks for applauding, and yes, yes I admit that I have reached that point (of course I have) and to be honest it is a little lonely here at the summit of tyranny. How can my colleagues relate to me, after all, when they're still looking over their shoulders at the UN, the ICC, the World Bank, and many other international institutions? None of them understand my potency because they don't know what it's like.


Except, that is for my esteemed friend Vladimir Putin.


Let me pet you now



Continue reading "On Not Caring"