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WWDD: Family Problems

Dear Dick:


I have very bad problem. Very bad. My brother and sister leak 'fake news' to media. Say I have many mistress, all on government salary. Stories upset my wife (another problem). Now they say I raid national treasury; I deny and say I am offended but no one listen. I can take no more, so I order 'accident' on bridge at night for them. But, now I think: do I go too far? Not sure. Please send advice.


#1 Fan.  

Continue reading "WWDD: Family Problems"

The Resurrection of Generalissimo Richard M. Tater

Surprise!
Well, you shouldn't be. Come on, get those jaws off the floor. Calm down. Have a stiff drink, if you've got one.
Now think about my sudden return to power for more than 10 seconds and you'll come up with a reasonable explanation. Ready? Come on ... 10, 9, 8 ... 3, 2, 1 ... no theories yet? No overly confident explanations (based on 'facts') as to why the people have once again chosen -- and yes, 'chosen' is the word, you horrified democrats out there -- to put their faith, votes, and money behind yours truly?



Propaganda? Nope. A nice try, and though I never say no to good agitprop, that's not what did it. 
Lack of civil society? Eh ... you can do better than that.
Weak legal superstructure? An ugly and opaque phrase -- are you a post-modernist or something? Sure, I had 'legal' challenges, but I know how to deal with them, and strong or weak legal traditions don't really bother me too much.
Generals lost their nerve: well, I admit they had me on the run for a while. They culled my inner circle quite ruthlessly a couple of years ago (wonder where they got that idea?), but I've never met a general I couldn't bribe, have you? Didn't think so. And once they were on the take, picking them off and replacing them with loyalists was easy.
Corrupted the electoral process? Sorry but they didn't need me to do that for them.

Look, if you're searching for an answer to the question 'why' you really don't need to look much past basic human needs. The people want to have a leader. They want to identify with a strong personality that is going to give no quarter. They were tired of the turmoil after I left; a return to 'normalcy' was in the air, and nothing (to them) was as normal as me. I'm more than just the face of the state -- in many ways, I am also the people. What, to them, was a group of elected officials with the collective charisma of lo-mein noodles? Not too damn much. 

People, it has to be said, love Dick. And, in my way, I love them back! 
But if you really want to know why I'm back, you'll have to read on.  


Continue reading "The Resurrection of Generalissimo Richard M. Tater"

Good luck, Faure

Just look at this guy: great suit, sharp haircut, winning smile.  What is there not to like about a guy like Faure Gnassingbe?  Well, the fact that he and his old man have ruled the country since independence, for one.  Togo and the Gnassingbes are essentially one and the same.  That might change this week, but I doubt it.  Togo's presidential elections were yesterday (Saturday, 25 April 2015), and while this time the competition was stiffer than it usually is, my money is on Faure.   He might be slipping in the polls, and it's true that the Togolese have just been registered as Africa's most miserable.  Lord knows under the Gnassingbe family Togo hasn't made much progress.  But is a guy this sharp going to just piss it all away in the name of democracy?  Not if he's read my book.  Good luck, Faure, and see you around another year, probably.  If the election goes south, you know what to do next.  Start by wiping off that winning smile and showing Togo what happens when you don't get your way.  


Dick out. 

Je suis Charlie

It's hard not to be touched by the recent violence. And after careful consideration, I have to say I stand with Charlie Hebdo. It's simple: I've lived in peaceful, Muslim countries for well over a decade. And not only do I have enormous respect for Islam and Muslims, I can understand their anger when they feel they are being provoked and slighted.

But that doesn't justify cold-blooded murder. This attack was wrong. There's no way to condone the murder of these people. When satire is a threat, you have to seriously re-evaluate your beliefs. Humor is the weapon best able to topple the worst dictators. Let's support free expression, in whatever form it takes. Murder is not the answer.

I am against violence in all its forms. But I'd like to hope we can find ways to not deliberately provoke the religious-minded, too. Hey, why can't we all just get along?

A Look at the Bolivarian Revolution

Everyone has been excited to see Evo Morales get reelected for another mandate, and I don't have much of an opinion about that. But watch out for those of you who would like to point to the reelection as an example of success for the famous, Hugo Chavez-inspired "Bolivarian Revolution."

The name refers to Simon Bolivar, not the modern-day nation, and before anyone gets too excited about the name, it's useful to take a look at what Chavez actually accomplished in his nation before shuffling off this mortal coil. Continue reading "A Look at the Bolivarian Revolution"

Who's got a plushy for Blaise Compaore?

Hey Blaise, hope you're hunkered down over there!  As far as I can tell from here, Burkina Faso is minutes away from declaring the end of you, via a huge popular protest and the support of the military - all things you'd have had a better time handling if you'd ever read my book.  If you're still in Ouagadougou and wondering what to do, have a look at the chapters on Managing Uprisings and Endgame - you're going to need it.


Then, just to make sure you are getting the comfort and support you need in this time of crisis, I recommend hugging a stuffed animal.  Worked for Mobutu (pictured) and the rest of the dictators in this photo series, from Khadaffi to Castro to Chavez.  Everyone needs a hug from Mr. Piggy-Wiggy, eh Blaise? 

Round of applause for Burma!

I'd like to take a moment here and give a shout-out to my boys the Burmese generals.  Ever been to one of those stupid movies where there's a psycho killer in the abandoned house, but the stupid girl and her sorority sisters are walking up to the front door anyway to go get slaughtered in the next two minutes of the film?


That's what watching American trying to court Myanmar is like.  

Continue reading "Round of applause for Burma!"

R.I.P. Baby Doc Duvalier


Well, we're late in wishing Baby Doc Duvalier a happy afterlife, but it's been a long time since he mattered much, and when he did matter, it was for all the wrong reasons. He got more than honorable in the Dictator's Handbook and his 15 year rule of Haiti was only slightly better than an outbreak of a deadly virus, rife with humans rights abuses, torture, and unexplained death.

Never underestimate that power of the crowds to come out and mourn the "good old days," though. Continue reading "R.I.P. Baby Doc Duvalier"