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Mr. 95.5%

When I return home from my month long -- hell, six-week!! -- vacation in West Palm Beach I usually find a bored and angry trophy wife, piles of paperwork, and a gang of sycophants just waiting for access to Il Commandante (that's me). It's usually then that, with a sigh of regret, I say to my mistress 'See you in a week, honeybunny.' 


This year, I turned on the news. And I saw what I'd missed since my well-deserved vacation -- the public mastery of the art of dictatorship. 


Large teeth

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Where's Ortega?

Waldo with cane

Has anyone seen Nicaraguan president Daniel Ortega recently? Why, no. In fact, not only has the ersatz strongman been conspicuously absent for nearly two weeks, but it's been radio silence from the office of the president, the president's inner circle, and the Nicaraguan government as a whole.

That's good news, because it means Daniel Ortega might finally be ready to shuffle off this mortal coil, the only way we'll ever be rid of the mustachioed bastard given his recent changes to the constitution. But that's bad news too, because no government is a problem. Continue reading "Where's Ortega?"

Bad Time for Dictators?

While human nature isn't likely to grow less evil over time, there are some moments in history when it just is a bad idea to be a dictator. We may be living through one of those moments now.


Certainly the events in Ukraine and Venezuela seem to suggest that, if not in outright retreat, the autocrats of our time are finding that there is no such thing as 'ultimate' power. At the very least what this shows is that modern dictaotors have not yet fully absorbed the lessons from history's more successful autocrats on managing unrest and consolidating their rule, lessons we discussed in our book


The one seeming exception? Vladimir Putin, of course, but more on Russia later.  


On Not Caring

I'd like to use this opportunity to point out that there are few dictators who ever really achieve the absolute pinnacle of autocracy -- that point you reach when you can simply NOT CARE about international opinion or the grumblings of your people ... thanks for applauding, and yes, yes I admit that I have reached that point (of course I have) and to be honest it is a little lonely here at the summit of tyranny. How can my colleagues relate to me, after all, when they're still looking over their shoulders at the UN, the ICC, the World Bank, and many other international institutions? None of them understand my potency because they don't know what it's like.


Except, that is for my esteemed friend Vladimir Putin.


Let me pet you now



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Yin and Yang

I don't go in much for Eastern philosophy, but even I have to admit that the concept of natural dualities can be applied to my favorite subject -- dictatorship! For every dictator that rises, another one falls, and for every autocrat who makes a mistake another capitalizes on it and assumes power (note to would-be tyrants: don't try that with me or you'll regret it).




The case of Mohamed Morsi illustrates this perfectly.  

Continue reading "Yin and Yang"

On 'Concessions'

I, Rich Tater, am in a bad mood these days, and that's bad news for the rest of you. Would you like to know what puts me in bad mood most of all? Other than outright stupidity (a close second), the number one thing is a lack of boldness among fellow autocrats. 


I mean, I've put out my dictatorial pearls of wisdom in published form; I've blogged about the positive uses of executions, illegal wiretaps, and sexual blackmail ... and after all that, you humanoids out there still can't figure it out? If I wasn't so frustrated with you, so focused on my own desires, my own locus of power, I'd get in my private jet and show you how to be a real dictator on your own turf.


Things look rough


But look: Mr. Yanukovkch, when you try to use the 'concessions' tactic to quell protests that threaten your reign, use it correctly, for God's (or Rich Tater's) sake! Don't promise piddling, ineffectual 'reforms' like a cabinet reshuffle or a weakening of anti-protest laws. Don't you know that just fuels the rage of the pro-democracy rif-raff? No, reread Chapter 8 of my book and you'll understand what I'm talking about (I can only hope you do, I mean). When you offer 'concessions', offer the moon -- an opposition role in the government, term limits, free elections, free love, whatever! Not that you'd ever intend to actually do any of those things, but at least playing such a forceful hand will get the attention of the rabble-rousers and entice them to calm down. THAT'S when you let your security forces pounce. 


I can't believe I have to explain this all over again. Pay attention, dammit. If I wasn't halfway to West Palm Beach for some much needed R&R with my mistress, I'd make you pay attention, personally. Rich Tater has spoken.  

Greatest hits from the forum, 2013 (part 2 of 2)

Continuing on - and finishing - yesterday's discussion, here are some of the best bits of commentary from the Europe, Africa, General, and Chitchat sections. In sum, 2013 was a great year for all you Dickheads on the forum! Keep it going, folks. Lord knows you can't discuss this stuff on Facebook./a Continue reading "Greatest hits from the forum, 2013 (part 2 of 2)"

2013 in review: headlines

It's been ages since we made an effort to report on the increasingly-happening discussion at the forum. And now that our discussions (newsgroups) are being replicated across the internet, reaching more and more users and readers, they are starting to take on a life of their own. So it's time to take a 30-mile high view of what's being discussed, and draw attention to some recent gems. Like what you see? Jump in - you're welcome to participate.

Almost as fun as the commentary by our nutso followers are some of the titles of news articles as reported by our dedicated News Feeder, clearly a bitter and wretched old man: Continue reading "2013 in review: headlines"